


i woke up from the same dream // falling backwards, falling backwards

by unforgvnsam



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cage Trauma, Dead Sam Winchester, Episode: s13e21 Beat the Devil, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Jack Kline, Sam Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Scared Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-03 22:56:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14579430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unforgvnsam/pseuds/unforgvnsam
Summary: lucifer brings sam back, and the only thing sam wants to do is to stay dead instead of feeling guilty and scared. at least his family is happy to have him back. it’s pretty much just sam being loved by his famesp dean and jack





	i woke up from the same dream // falling backwards, falling backwards

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for betaing and for helping with the title, [judah](http://sahwen.tumblr.com), ily
> 
> and im on tumblr [@ftmsam](http://ftm.tumblr.com)" ~~url change bitches~~

“You  _need_  me.”

“No. No way. I won’t let you get to Jack.” Sam’s gaze skitters away from Lucifer’s grinning teeth to the snarling, hungry mouths of the vampires being held back. He’s less scared of that than Lucifer. Less scared of death at the fangs of a starving group of vamps than at the hands of Lucifer’s gleeful, violent torture. And less scared of the torture than Lucifer getting to Jack. “No fucking way.”

“Oh.” Lucifer grins at him, his eyes flickering tauntingly. “So you’d rather get eaten up by…  _that_  again?” Lucifer releases his hold on the vamps for just a moment and they rush a little closer. Sam silently gasps and has to fight himself to keep from stumbling backwards. “You’d really rather get torn to shreds,  _drained_ , than help me out a little?” He laughs, and G-d, Sam could’ve gone the rest of his life before ever hearing that grating sound again. “I mean, I guess you’re  _used_  to being tortured alive though, right? You still remember everything, I hope.”

“Shut the hell up,” Sam growls, his jaw trembling with fury and an underlying current of fear.

“Whatcha gonna do, Sammy? Come with me and see your sweet, loving family—and they’re probably all just super upset right now, you know? Or you wanna die… again?”

Sam stares back at him, anger and determination sharp enough in his broken, sunflower eyes that it almost looks like Lucifer takes half a step back. “I’m dying again.” Before Lucifer can do anything, Sam lunges into the nest.

* * *

 

Sam heaves in a breath of air and scrambles to his feet when he sees Lucifer’s mocking smile.

“Ah, I won’t  _ever_  get tired of your face when you realize that I dragged you back. Never gets old, really. And we’ve been going through this cycle ever since we first met. You kill yourself, I give you life. Practically  _tradition_.” He snarls that last work and now Sam is truly terrified. Being brought back to life for the second time by Lucifer just breaks him. It makes him remember the first time. The first time and the second and the third. He’s not even sure how many times it happened before he jumped into the Cage.

And the Cage. He came back to life so many times in there. So many g-ddamn times.

This whole setting is Cage-like and it horrifies him. When Lucifer first appeared his immediate thought had been that he was in the Cage, that he’d never left, that the last seven or eight years had been a lie. Lucifer’d done it before. Over and over and over again. Just like the Lazarus move.

Either way, Sam’s eyes flit to the vamps again, and Lucifer clicks his tongue against his teeth.

“Oh, Samuel. When will you learn? I’m getting to Jack with or without you. It’s your choice though… Whether you wanna be there with us or you want that again?” Lucifer points his flashlight at the vamps, and it just makes them more excited all over again. “Your move, champ.”

Sam stares at the hungry, crazed, pushing and shoving nest, trying to keep breathing. He snorts derisively and turns back to look at the Devil himself, even though every nerve in his body is trembling. “It’s  _not_  my choice. You’re just gonna force me back. Again.”

Lucifer’s lips curve back up into a sharp, victorious smile. “Ah- _hah_ , maybe you  _have_  learned, Sammy.”

“Don’t call me Sammy.” Every word is short and biting, but Lucifer just laughs.

* * *

 

The trip back is awful. Lucifer insists on flying, despite Sam’s protesting and anger, because it means Lucifer is  _touching_  him. He only stops a few times to drain some more angels and makes Sam help. Sam refuses to actually kill the angels, because part of him is scared that it’s going to be this world’s version of someone he knew. He just hopes that he’d be able to recognize Castiel, even if being in this universe would make him different.

Besides, he’s only killed an angel when it came to saving Jack.

The next time he kills an angel it better be Lucifer... It’s  _going_  to be Lucifer.

* * *

 

As soon as they land in camp, Sam can hear loud bells ringing, and it’s disorienting and makes him more anxious. Where the hell is Dean? Dean and Cas and Mom and Jack.

He turns around and there. He sees his family through the back of a run down shed. They all look so… so  _broken_  and it hurts. He’s starts to move towards them when Lucifer grabs his arm roughly and leans close to whisper into his ear. His breath against his skin makes Sam shudder and want to throw up, but the last thing he needs right now is to make Lucifer angry by jerking away. “Remember, Samuel. You’re gonna have to let them know that  _I_  brought you back.”

Sam nods stiffly and moves away, trying not to act as scared and hesitant as he feels. Lucifer lets him go but Sam can feel him watching the back of his head.

Dean notices him first. His expression barely changes at first, except for his eyes. His eyes just instantly  _relax_ , even though he still looks confused. When Jack sees him, his whole face breaks into a smile as he whispers “Sam” like that word means everything to him. It feels so  _relieving_  to see a smile other than Lucifer’s taunting grin. Castiel looks vaguely hopeful, like he’s at a loss and doesn’t actually want to get his hopes up for fear of things not being as the seem. His level of doubt almost makes Sam wonder if he actually saw his dead body. It’s a vaguely horrifying thought. And Mary. His  _mom_. She gasps, and takes a tiny step forward just like everyone else has. It’s as if they’re scared he’ll just disappear if they come close enough.

Sam tries to be the one to come closer and he attempts a shaky smile, but he’s trembling all over. He’s not even sure how much longer he can stay standing.

Dean looks like he’s about to say his name, his lower lip quivering, and come and grab him, but then he tilts his head in complete confusion and his eyes harden again, the calmness gone. An overwhelming feeling of shame washes over Sam, his eyes fluttering closed as his gaze drops to the ground because he  _knows_  Lucifer is standing behind him now. The literal Devil, and he’s brought him back to camp.

The looks on his family’s faces aren’t hopefulness or joy or love. It’s horror and fury and disbelief, and Sam realizes that it’s probably at Lucifer but part of him his afraid that those stares are aimed at him.

“Hello, son.”

Those two little words make Sam want to claw Lucifer’s eyes out right then and there because if anyone gets to call Jack that or be considered his parent, it’s Sam. It’s Sam and Castiel and maybe even Dean. But not Lucifer.  _They’re_  his fathers.

Jack’s expression drops even more too, and this is  _all Sam’s fault_. All his fault.

He really doesn’t think his legs are currently strong to hold him for much longer, and his knees are wobbling. Dean’s whole face flips from a from a pissed glare at Lucifer to a concerned gaze when he notices Sam’s paleness and he almost stumbles in his hurry to get to him, dropping his back along the way. His arms wrap around Sam and Sam just lets his whole weight fall against Dean, his face pressing against Dean’s neck and grabbing the back of his jacket. Dean staggers a little but he keeps them both upright. He still hasn’t said anything but just him being there, hugging him close, is enough.

Lucifer is either watching them or he’s still staring at Jack, and both options make him feel sick. He slides down to his knees and Dean drops right down right with him, his eyes almost teary. “What hap—? H-how?” His fingers graze against Sam’s neck where the vamps had first torn into his jugular. There’s no wound left, just blood and dust. “You’re not… Blood but no…” Now that he’s talking he’s not being very coherent. He cradles Sam face gently before getting the first actual sentence out. “Are you okay, Sammy?”

Sam doesn’t even know how to answer that but Jack interrupts their conversation anyway. He’s standing in front of Lucifer, glaring at him, even though he’s smaller in size, his eyes sparking gold a few times. “What the hell did you do to Sam?”

“Me?” Lucifer smiles innocently. “Sammy, why don’t you tell them what happened? They all wanna hear and I’m  _sure_  you wanna tell them.”

“Don’t call him Sammy again, or I rip your g-ddamn tongue out, you piece of shit,” Dean snaps, and Lucifer’s eyes widen slightly.

“You Winchesters. So touchy about your nicknames, aren’t you? Calm down, Dee.”

Sam’s teeth clench and they both glare at him.

Lucifer laughs and shrugs before nodding at Sam. “C’mon, Samuel. Tell them what’s what. Tell them ‘what the hell I did to you.’”

Sam shudders and Dean’s fingers grab the back of his neck. “Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.”

“Mmm…” Lucifer shrugs again, acting like he doesn’t care but in Sam’s experience, that’s actually worse sometimes. “It’d be a good idea if he  _does_. Aren’t you all curious?” He waves his hand around, and Sam realizes that Mary and Cas are both next to him too now.

“H-he…” Sam’s voice is wavering and he might actually cry. “He brought… me back to… l-li-li—” He literally can’t force himself to get the last word out but they know what he’s trying to say. “Dean, I’m sorry.” He lets out a sob even though he’s trying to fight it. He needs to be strong for everyone but it’s  _so hard_. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“No, Sammy, what the hell? You’re here, you’re alive.” He pulls Sam’s chin up to meet his eyes. “We’ll figure everything else out together. We’ll be okay.”

“And don’t you dare touch him again,  _Lucifer_.” Jack’s golden irises are sharp and upset and his biological father, and  _nothing_  more, takes a step back. Before he can reply, Jack collapses next to Sam and gives him a tight hug. Sam laughs quietly and lets go of Dean with one hand and hugs him back. “I’m… I’m glad you’re alive, Sam. I…”

Sam touches Jack’s jacket and shirt a couple times, because he  _needs_  to physically make sure this is really all happening and because he wants to know if Jack is alright. “Are… Are you okay?”

“G-d, Sammy. You just  _died_. You don’t have to make sure everyone else is okay.” Dean’s hand is holding tightly to Sam’s splattered collar even though Jack is still hanging on to him too.

“I just… I need to know that you all are really okay.”

“We’re all okay, Sam.” Someone else’s fingers brush his cheek hesitantly.

“Mom.” His voice cracks on the one word and she gives him a small smile.

Castiel’s hand presses against his shoulder, brushing against his blood stained neck. “I… I saw you— your—” His face twists with grief at the memory and Sam has to let go of Jack to grasp Castiel’s wrist.

“I’m okay, Cas… I’m…  _alive_ ,” Sam spits out that last word, the memory of being brought back making him feel nauseous.

Dean pushes Sam’s blood-caked hair out of his eyes. “We’ll figure this out, Sammy. Together. I got you, little brother. I got you.” Dean’s eyes are shining again, and there’s a tear that’s just waiting to drip down his nose, but Sam nods, trying for a smile. As weak as the smile is, it’s a smile, and Dean gives him an equally shaky smile. “We’ll be okay.”

G-d, he hopes so.

But life likes to fuck them over.

**Author's Note:**

> ahhahha pls validate me thanks


End file.
